rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?