Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
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Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet