Just why bro?!
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WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
mom had nothing to worry about
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.