Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
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ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Investing in beetcoin
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I think we should hear other voices.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
This guy gets it.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic