Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
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*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way