[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
You Might Also Like
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
mathematically impossible
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope