It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
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When your parents check you’re ok.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Autocarrot sucks!
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
How can I say no to this ?
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Put the is in disheveled
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.