Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
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Would you wear it?
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Need this in my life lol
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
*offers Batman cough drops*
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)