Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I’m too immature for adultery.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.