BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
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Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
i think both sides are to blame here
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.