This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
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[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
White parent Vs Arab parents
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Me too 😆
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options