You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
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We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
bro what is going on at twitter
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
looks legit
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing