I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
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[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.