It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
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[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Battery falling down a hole
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.