I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
You Might Also Like
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
i now pronounce you bounced.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job