I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
You Might Also Like
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I put the “pro” in inappropriate