Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
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“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
remember
only for emergencies
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”