Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
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DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
waiting for halloween be like:
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.