coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
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This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.