Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
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ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
(Musicians.)