How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
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The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
R.I.P.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat