Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
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Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
satan: not today, microsoft teams
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
oppen heimer style lol
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…