“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
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FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”