Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
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2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
They’re really bad with fonts.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.