Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
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Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
work smarter, not harder
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche