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My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess