Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
You Might Also Like
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I already tried new things thanks.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound