They grow up so quick
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ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”