Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
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My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.