No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Holy crap this is wonderful
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.