it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
You Might Also Like
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
happy mother’s day❤️
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
i meant to share this earlier
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.