Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
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Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
What
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*