Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
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I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
These 3D printers are insane!
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.