Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
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If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.