Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
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I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Current mood: Potato
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.