[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
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This probably isn’t good
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”