Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
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Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.