JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
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If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!