[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
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Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Herpes is trending, good job people
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
idk what this dog had been going through but same
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope