“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
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*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives