Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
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Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
This week’s mood.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.