Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
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maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
😏😏😏
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!