when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
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5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired