Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
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i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.