Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
You Might Also Like
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Yes, but it was never about money
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.