8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
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Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.