Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
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Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I have a type: disappointing
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber