My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
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Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Woke up with morning Yule Log