“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
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My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.