Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
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Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
All food is good if you spell it wrong
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.